Conversations with the Politically Insane

June 3 2010 § Leave a comment

Walking through the mall with any sense of real purpose long gone, we decide to grab some food before we take off. Walking up to order my food, I hear some strange mumblings from a shady looking fellow sitting alone at a table and he begins to snicker. Thinking he was saying something to me, I ask him nicely at first what he has said since I barely heard him. He glares at me and with a menacing smirk continues staring straight at me. Somewhat angered at being so blatantly brushed-off, I ask him again to say what he had said to which was answered only by the lady at the counter beckoning me over to place my order.

I go ahead and order my meal, sit down, eat and decide it would make a lot more sense to start out the nearby exit, allowing a walk around the parking lot to my car as to enjoy a well earned cigarette. As I begin the trek outside, the man I had confronted opened the door for me and upon thanking him heard he mumbled something else. I ask him what he said and prepare for a confrontation. He speaks much clearer the second time.
“Let me grab that for you and your spouse, and I wasn’t laughing at you”
“What did you say?”
[Psycho begins repeating himself]
“No, I heard what you said now, what did you say in there?”
“Nothing, I was laughing at something that happened to me today at the Government of Canada office”

This is the point where I have left the comfort zone and began my journey into Hell with the Encyclopedia of Canadian Politics as my guide.

As is common whenever I am uncomfortable I periodically pull out a cigarette and place it in my lips as a deterrent from conversation. Of course not only does this not deter my captor, but the act of reaching into his worn leather jacket to hand me a lighter causes my heart to skip a beat due to how awkwardly he moves. I make a stupid move and question what could possibly be so funny with the government to which a Trivial Pursuit game began. I wish I could recall some examples of the questions I was practically forced to answer while standing in the same spot for over an hour but the following is what I have taken away from it:
– Jean Chretien wrote a book that details everything that is wrong with Canada and the government
– it is imperative that I remember the numbers “398 – 395”
– George Bush was humiliated by having a cut-out of him pelted with a shoe cannon
– the George Bush cut-out could not defend itself
– we donated a zamboni machine to tsunami victims on New Years day
– our legacy for the world is homosexual marriage

For those who may be confused, the quick rundown of an hour-and-change’s worth of conversation was that since we humiliated George W. Bush as a city (during his visit to Calgary), we have allied ourselves with Al-Qaeda and in turn disrespected them due to our roundabout way of calling them queers because we support gay marriage.

Did I mention all of this can be read in Jean Chretien’s book?


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